AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!

Why is it that when something goes wrong it is ALWAYS at a time when you can't actually do anything to rectify it?

Now, this is really no biggie, but the frustration...grrrr.

I've been waiting to hear from the hospital for an appointment to have a PICC line put in.  Basically, it's a sort of tube that goes in through a vein in your arm, all the way up inside to sit just above the heart.  The chemo drugs can be given directly into this line, and bloods can be taken from it too.  Now, I know it sounds pretty gruesome, but the sad fact is, that having had my lymph nodes removed from under my left armpit, I can no longer have bloods taken from that arm.  So, down to right arm.  One of the drugs used in my chemotherapy regime (the E part of FEC), can really mess with your veins - causing them to harden etc, and then you can't use them in future.  Many people cope fine, and have nice prominent veins so the nurses have plenty of choice, and some, like me, have veins that see someone coming in a white coat and promptly dive for cover.

I discussed the possibilities of a PICC with the chemo nurse, and she told me that my veins were so cowardly, that a PICC would be eminently sensible, and she'd be in touch with radiography to sort out a time to have the line put in, about a week before chemo starts.

My appointment letter arrived this morning, Saturday, when all the departments are closed for the weekend, and what date and time have they given me for PICC insertion? Friday 17th December at 9am.. the SAME BLOODY TIME AS MY FIRST CHEMO IS DUE.

And what can I do about it? Nothing! Not until Monday morning, when I will have to phone them and see if they can give me an earlier appointment.  And if they can't? Well, I'm hoping I won't have to have the first chemo dose through an ordinary cannula, because I hate the bloody things, and with my luck, every vein in my arm would collapse in protest. GRRRRRRRR.

I'm sure you're reading this and thinking "Way to over-react, duh", and you'd be right.  It is only a hitch in the big scheme of things, after all, and probably easily rectified.. in 48 hours time.  The bigger issue for me is that this impotence, this inability to sort things immediately, is the root of all the issues that having bc has raised for me.

Turning 40 was a real watershed in my life - suddenly all the confidence/purpose that I'd 'fronted' for so many years became genuine.  I honestly found that I had the strength within to cut out any crap in my life that didn't have a right to be there, to stand up to so called friends who were really just leeches, to enjoy the work I did, regardless of the fact that it might be viewed as menial by family.. who cares? I work with great people, have a lot of fun doing it..earn just about enough and don't have to worry about childcare... life was GOOD.

BC has taken so much of that away, albeit temporarily.  I no longer have the control to dictate what happens and when it does, or to say 'enough of this shit' and walk away, I can't work at the moment and finances are once more a worry.  Most of the time I can just grit my teeth and plough on through, but when something as stupid as this appointment letter occurs, it just brings home to me how frustrating this whole journey is.

Phew.  Rant over!!!