Oh FEC

Have felt sick and anxious all week at thought of chemo starting tomorrow - not a great way to prepare for a week where I will possibly feel sick and anxious with the side effects, or perhaps it is? Hey ho. Here's to yet another night with little sleep.

Funnily enough, having little sleep doesn't leave me in a very charitable mood towards well meaning people.  People,  I hasten to add, who I don't know all that well, so have to be, if not polite, at least vaguely non-committal to.  The next person who says to me "Oh, but chemo is nowhere near as bad as it was twenty years ago" is going to get it with both barrels.  And then I shall suggest that if chemo is such a fucking blast then maybe they would like to come along and have some too?

I suppose at this point I should apologise to any poor soul who had chemo twenty years ago.. but actually, I think anyone in that position would probably sympathise.

Have had some giggles this week - not all been doom and gloom - went into work today to watch the kids pantomime (they are teenagers with Aspergers Syndrome), and it was just the funniest thing ever.  The students were brilliant, and when things went awry, as they do with any school play, it was even funnier.  The entire audience was roaring with laughter, and it was probably the best way I could have killed some time today.  At the end, the Head announced that they would have a collection plate at the exit door, collecting this year for a fund that has touched the school especially - Cancer Research.   One of the staff lost her husband to cancer a few weeks ago, and then there's me.. so it was very touching that they chose this charity.  And I'm pleased to report that there were a good few twenty pound notes in the plate when I went by..... (not mine, I never have twenty pounds.  I did put my change in, I'm not Scrooge.. just skint).

Secret Santa at work today, too - so I stayed for that - thank you Denise for the chocs and gloves - chocs were lovely.  Had to eat them today as taste buds can change radically with chemo and I'd be gutted if I had to let the kids eat the chocs instead.  Would just be rude, really.  Now feeling sick still, but at least I can blame it on the chocolates.  Was going to drink the red wine I was also given.. working on the same theory, but have just hidden it instead, as don't really want to start the day with a headache.. and a whole bottle of wine does tend to do that to me these days.  Oh, the agony of ageing.  Surely it's not that long ago that we just drank all weekend and went to work on Monday morning?  Do that now, and I'd be on my knees until Thursday, at least.  Maybe it's just lack of practice? Perhaps we could regain that iron-stomach.. or perhaps you still have it, but have just been keeping in trim without me? For shame....

Have done my usual I'mnotpanickingI'mtidying so the house is looking reasonable after this evening's bout... in between the chocolates I have managed to change the bed, clean the bathroom, tidy the kitchen, clear the conservatory, empty the lunch boxes, get bread out of the freezer.. and all since 8pm.  Good job I wrote 'freezer' then as still need to get dog food out for tomorrow and would have forgotten and they'd have been eating sardines again.  They like sardines, as it happens, but if you think ordinary dog breath is bad, add a little olive oil and half a dozen pilchards to the mix.  Not good before 7.30am.

Anyhow - time is a ticking on, and I'm going to go to bed and see if I can fall asleep before 3am.  I've found that if I lie there, really, really still, and pretend to be asleep.. nothing actually happens.  If I read, on the other hand... no, nothing happens then, either.  I have to completely give up, get ready to get out of bed and come downstairs, and then I magically fall asleep, cos I haven't actually made it downstairs yet. Yet.

Will let you know how tomorrow goes.  Of course, there is still the possibility that it won't happen.. that the PICC will be put in and then the chemo ward will go 'oh no, we won't do chemo the same day as the line is put in'.  In that case, they can wait til after Christmas, I think.  What do you reckon?!

Peace and good will to all, keep repeating to oneself, to all, to all...

(but don't tell me how much better chemo is these days)