And so to today..

It's Monday 8th November, and I have my pre-op appointment in two days' time.  The odd butterfly is starting to rumble around in my belly, but my most pressing concern is financial.  How will we cope without my income? Granted, it's not huge, but it does make a difference between being fairly comfortable and being flat broke with Christmas approaching. And MOTs.  And Water Rates/Credit Card Bills/Vet Bills...  Both my bosses (two different jobs) have been supportive and understanding, but one job doesn't pay me enough for the few hours I do to mean I pay N.I, so no SSP on that one, and the other one is quite probably going to fall apart without me there, smiling sweetly and lying through my teeth that there's nothing to worry about. On a daily basis.  It's worked for eighteen months, and til now, I saw no reason why that couldn't continue.  In fact, I'm so concerned about surviving on SSP that I haven't even googled it yet to see how much it is per week, because I know then I will go from concern to blind panic.

I've also discovered that I'm not very good at telling people I have Breast Cancer.  It's not that I'm trying to hide it - quite the opposite, but I do tend to blurt it out.  Loudly.  In Marks & Sparks, which is really not the correct place to turn a friend into an emotional wreck whilst I run away and hunt for post-op bras.  And at a friend's party for her brother's 40th birthday.  Well, they were all drunk and I was stone cold sober (driving home after, no babysitter other than my teenagers.. who would have been quite happy to babysit over night.  Hmm. Right) and I was getting bored of them all being drunk and saying 'so, Trip.. how are you? Really?'.  So I told them.  Then went home, because the party was going flat anyhow. And it was raining.

The one lesson I have really learned from this is that if you haven't seen someone in a long time, don't ask them SO HOW ARE YOU? Because they might just scare the crap out of you and ruin your day.  Though, to be honest, I'm quite upbeat about it all at the moment, and generally manage to raise a laugh or six at my own expense, but I have felt as though I've been riding a swathe of destruction through my nearest and dearest, leaving them sobbing on the banks whilst I trundle on regardless.  Even my eldest daughter's friends cried when she told them.  It's almost enough to make me want to apologise for having breast cancer and upsetting everyone.

Obviously, talking is fairly cathartic, and obviously, I've not had much chance to talk to anyone much today - so apologies for the enormous length of these first posts.  I'd say I'll try to keep the next ones short, but I'd be lying.  Time for bed.. two more sleeps before the pre-op.....