Those not so good moments..

I have discovered that I am not actually an automaton who can plough through this with no emotion - which is almost a relief.  I now know that my tears and fears are really just lurking around the corner, waiting for an unguarded moment to emerge - <Gotcha!!> - before they are swiftly banished again.  I still maintain that curling up in a corner, rocking and sobbing, will make no difference to the outcome of this disease, so there is very little point in going down that road - plus it would make life even harder for the people I love, who are having to deal with their own emotions and fears - so I do not intend to collapse into a soggy mess, or take to my bed for the next eight months.

However, please bear with me if just occasionally something erupts.

So far, the only real tears I have shed are:

1.  On diagnosis.  Not for me, but at the realisation that I have three daughters - and that breast cancer is not the sort of thing I was planning on bequeathing them as my legacy.

2.  Ten minutes before surgery.  I went for a wee before getting changed into the hospital gown (brain still functioning enough to figure out that walking across the ward to the loo in jeans would be a lot more comfortable than making the same journey in a back fastening gown).  No sooner had I sat down than my eyes started streaming - I honestly had no idea that that was about to happen!!  No matter, a couple of good snorts and a nose blow, and I was fine.

3.  On the trolley in the side room where they put you to sleep (I'm sure my medical/technical vocab will improve, but either I don't know the name of this room, or I'm actually a little more wiped out than I'm acknowledging right now).  Again - tears that just streamed down my face, that I felt I had no control over - I didn't know they were about to begin, and I certainly didn't feel capable of stopping them!

4.  This morning - when my OH woke me up after the first night of deep sleep I've had in a month.  I think I woke up sobbing - and it was genuine sobs - the sort that come from your toes and just wail out through your mouth - the sort that you stop doing when you become a mum because you don't want to frighten the children - the sort of sobs that really you only hear from a very small child because they haven't yet learned to 'control their emotions'.  The sort that just happen, and leave you not really sure what you were crying for.  The loss of a breast? The fear of the future?  The questions are all too big and incomprehensible for me to pigeonhole.  I don't know why exactly I cried, but I do know that I feel relieved that I can cry.

And, if I can cry - then I guess it's ok if my friends cry too.  But it's also ok if they don't.  Just know that I love you all, dearly - and I am so proud to know so many amazing women.   (and some exceptional men)

xxxx